THE REAL MS. KEYS

There's this girl I know. She's about 5'6", weighs 112 lbs soaking wet, fully clothed & with rocks in her pockets. She's dark haired, perfectly proportioned, great disposition, good at virtually everything. She loves to cook and loves to bite, though those two qualities aren't exactly synonymous.

She's got one major problem though: she doesn't like keys. The locking-unlocking kind, not kilos of cocaine. And keys don't like her either.

Scenario 1:
She only had one car-key. In the winter she went to warm up the car and inadvertently locked the door. The car was running. She called a locksmith who showed up in 25 minutes and 35 dollars later, was all squared away.
But that's quite OK. Sh*t happens, right? So she went and got another key made. Everything was good.

Scenario 2:
Same scenario, same winter - goes to warm the car up and locks the keys inside, car running. Her roommate had the spare key and she couldn't get a hold of her, so she called up the locksmith again. From then on she made sure the spare key was always accessible to her, so she left it inside her crib.

Scenario 3:
Same scenario, early spring: this time she's about to go to work. She also wants to throw away the trash so she goes to the car, starts it up, locks the door, again, and goes to the dumpster. Walking back to the car, she realizes what she just did and is sooo mad at herself because, this time, her purse was inside the car, as was her cellie. What's worse, she'd locked the door to the crib this time around so she couldn't retrieve her spare, let alone call the locksmith. So she went around looking for anyone with a cellie, found one, called me up & after I yelled at her for a good while, I called up the locksmith. 40 minutes later, she was on her way to work.

Scenario 4:
A couple of months back she got to work 15 minutes early at about 8.15. She sat in the car for a spell listening to music. At 8.28 she got out of the car, locked it and went in to work. At 11.30 her workmate came in and said her car was running. She was sure he was mistaken so she went out to check and sure enough, it was. And the door was locked. Luckily, she had put the spare key in her bag that day so she simply retrieved it, unlocked the door, turned the car off and re-locked it, 3 hours and half a gas-tank later.
I was speechless.

Scenario 5:
She works for some financial institution that needs a ginormous vault for whatever reason. The other day she had to go into the vault to do whatever. In addition to electronic locks, it's really a vault within a vault and apparently also needs a conventional key. So, after the usual carp-swiping and whatnot she went in to the inner vault, inserted the key, unlocked the door and went inside, leaving the key on the outside and would you know it, the heavy door that always stayed open started to slowly swing shut. She was almost done doing whatever she needed to do when, with a sound as ominous as the one made by the steel doors in county jail, the door to the vault clanged shut.
Now, the vault is typically only visited once or twice a day, if that, so it was entirely probable that she'd be in there like 4-5 hours before anyone else went in there. So she tried the whole kicking and screaming routine, to no avail. 15 minutes later she resigned to the fact that she could be in there all day long so she started looking around. That's when she noticed the 6.5-inch gap above and below the otherwise impenetrable door, and a bulb went off inside her dome. Remember that slender frame? She managed to squeeze it out that meagre gap between the door and the floor. 5 minutes later, she was back at her desk.

I was too amazed to be mad. I'm sure someone at the security office that night, while reviewing the tapes, was quite amazed too.

THIS-A-WAY, THAT-A-WAY.

And now, some Hip-Hop & RnB stuff:

-How's Missy gonna have a joint called Best Best, Ashanti a joint called Good Good and 3-6 Mafia one called Lolli Lolli? Is the deuce for emphasis?

- Why does every rapper wanna 'sing' these days? Those synthesized vocals are getting annoying.

- Jordin Sparks apparently lurrves Chris Brown. You can bet Rihanna's green eyes keep watch 24-7.

- Yung Berg doesn't like dark-skinned women. [Not to be confused with black women] He prefers black women who are light-skinned and doesn't like, and I quote him, dark butts. Wow.

- DJ Khaled needs to shut the f*ck up. That:
DJ Khaled! We the best! Who?! We n*gga! makes me wanna put my fist right through the nearest wall.

- When Ja Rule back in the day, in some joint, rapped about Ashanti's thick legs & thick thighs, he wasn't kidding. She really got the Good Good. Lawd, I love that video.

- Could it be? Does Busta prefer the hairier sex?

- Fontzworth Bentley's new video with Andre 3-Stacks, Kanye & Sa-Ra is soooo tight. Funny, funny stuff. Watching Kanye doing his thing is hilarious, especially.

- T.I. still got it.

- What the hell does Shawty Lo talk about?
"Like Kels I can fliz-zy"?
"..na na na", "...ha ha ha"?

- Karina Pasian might be the next big thing in RnB. But what do I know?

- Beyoncé, staying true to the To The Left & Take a Bow themes, has a new one, 'Kick Him Out.'

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Alright, I'll keep going on with this, & I'm on the clock, so I'll stop. Y'all have a good, music-filled weekend, you dig?

FAMISHED

Life is a mystery of enormous, convoluted proportions. One second I'm creeping along its jagged path and the next hurtling through it.

At least I'm moving.

But on another note, I'm hungry. What's worse, I'm unwilling to go out there and forage for food, despite seeing how there's nothing else in the fridge except stuff like mayo & ketchup. Figures. What I wouldn't give for one of these right here, as sick as I am of fast food. There's no substitute for a home-cooked meal, none. I'm easy like that.

And tell me why I detest doing laundry so much. I'd give anything to skip it, and I usually postpone it till I open that drawer and see the last clean pair of boxers. That right there is one of life's most depressing moments, ever. But it's not like I'm hand-washing the laundry, or going out to the cleaners or laundromat or anything - the washer/drier is right here at the crib, so I've no idea why I dread it so.

Speaking of which, I gotta go grab stuff from the drier before it gets all wrinkled up, which would lead to my next least favorite chore - ironing. Don't even get me started on that one.

ÜBER CUIL.

Here's a message you don't see every day:
Google search's latest competitor, Cuil, formed by ex-Googlers, is getting so many hits it can't even keep up.

Hmmm, I wonder if it's 'Cuil' enough to topple Google search from its perch. We'll see.

H²

There's so much good music out there these days it's ridic, and I'm loving every minute of it. So many new joints I can hardly keep up. Dude, I'm running out of PostIts trying to write down every new joint so I could download it later.

Though I've hundreds of new joints in the Hip Hop folder, here are my top picks, alphabetically by artist, yet-to-be-downloaded joints not included:

Fat Joe feat Lil Wayne & The Game - Ain't Sayin' Nothin', remix**
Jazmine Sullivan - I Need You Bad***
Kardinal Offishal feat Akon - Dangerous*
Lil' Wayne - Millie**
Lil' Wayne feat T-Pain - Got Money***
Lloyd feat Lil' Wayne - [Girls] All Around The World***
Mariah feat T.I. - I'll Be Loving You Long Time*
Nas - Nigger**
Plies feat Ne-Yo - Bust It Baby**
Plies - Please Excuse My Hands*
Rick Ross feat Avery Storm - Here I Am**
Rock City Boyz - I'm Losing It***
Ryan Leslie feat Cassie - Addicted*
Sean P feat T-Pain - You Ain't Know**
T.I. - No Matter What**
Talib Kweli - Hostile Gospel***
Young Jeezy feat Kanye West - For My City***
Yung Berg feat Casha - The Business**

[The more * the more the Sizzle]

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Next post - Top R&B picks.

[R]EVOLUTION

Dimitri is such a douchebag. I'm still reeling from it.

See why I like the Evo?

GreenGen.

Was caught up in the usual evening gridlock today when I saw it - 2 Priuses back to back. *GASP!*


I sincerely hope this isn't a sign of things to come. Granted, the Prius is a remarkable vehicle, the car all 'green' vehicles aspire to be when they grow up, but I've grown to hate it; not because it's uninteresting but because it has become rather Utopian, a fashion statement of sorts. The Prius owners I know, with the exception of a practical few, are complacent, snotty-nosed brats, incessantly broadcasting their - shall we say - smugness about saving Mother Earth. Damn, it's not like I'm trying to destroy the earth by driving the Mitsubishi - I too live here, punk!

Truth be told tho, I'd want one, if only to save on cheddar at the pump. Problem is, I can see myself trying to soup it up: bigger wheels, noisy exhaust, better NiMH batteries, two subs in the trunk.... I'm silly like that.

In other news:
Ever watched Undercover Brother with Eddie Griffin, Denise Richards, Dave Chappelle, etc? I think it's hilarious. Bandwidth permitting, watch some of the clips on YouTube. Or start with this one.